Thursday, November 6, 2008

letting go...

My dads service was awesome. People showed up from the coast, from Medford Or. Sandy, Portland,all over! It blessed mom and us so much to see, and hear how many lives were touched by dad! I knew I was blessed to have him as MY dad, but listening last night to people share I realized there was a whole world of people who he made feel as if he were their dad, or grandpa or friend.
Im still trying to adjust to the"day"without dad in it, and I think I will be for a while. I miss him so much. But I had a very good day with mom today, and its time for her and I to find a new "day" and be able to move on and find joy in our lives remembering what an awesome man we had in our lives.
This has made me "wake up" and realize how important my family is, and the friends I have are so worth hanging onto, I am so thankful for them right now, I never knew what it was like to lose anyone. Now I know, its not something that can be explained, only experienced. Its exhausting, and lonely, and scary, and sad and without my friends and family I just cant imagine going thru this alone.
But looking beyond the pain of losing my dad, I am rejoicing because I know where he is, and he isnt sad, he isnt scared or lonely, he is no longer in pain, he is dancing and rejoicing with Jesus!

Monday, November 3, 2008

overly sensitive me

Well I am the big ball baby, but I was daddy's girl, and I cannot stop my tears! I seem to be the only one left crying my eyes out, my sisters are busy busy bustling about, moms cleaning this and that, my brother seems fine.........UGH Im just miserable. And I feel very alone. They are all up at moms , Im alone at my house, they dont even call me.......I know they are just busy, but it hurts, cause I am hurting, I just wish I could sit and cry and be comforted till it felt better. Maybe thats why they dont check in, maybe I am too much for them. To emotional?
I went up to moms this morning as I have done for the past three and half years I have lived here, to have a cup of coffee with her. Ususally I am grinding meds for dad every day-so that is a big change I am trying to get over, anyway one of my sisters meets me at the door and sais, "mom needs to get ready" as if I needed to leave! I know she didnt mean it bad, but I guess I am overly sensitive right now! OUCH! But then I asked why? where is she going? I mean I have been her caretaker for three years now....... to go shopping for an outfit for dads service...all the girls are going........hmm except me! Guess they forgot me. OUCH! I was quickly invited by my sweet lil neice who realized the pain that just caused me, and I snapped out a little no I wasnt invited and went to the kitchen for my coffee but of course it was all I left to go work on dads slide show I am trying to get done, its hard looking at all those memories together and knowing I will never talk to him again till heaven. Im hoping for a better day tommarow.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

saying bye....

Today is one of the roughest days I can remember......Ive lost my dad. He went to be with the Lord early in the morning on Nov. 1. We had a wonderful,yet teary last two days together. He, my sisters, mom and I were with him till the end, at home, where he wanted to be. Actually I had to bow out at the last hour, I just couldnt do it, couldnt stand to see him go.... when my sis called to say he was gone I told her I couldnt be in the house with him, she understood and said it was ok. I went and took a bath and cried. I couldnt stand not to be with my mom and sisters so I got up my nerve and went back over. They all met me on the porch and we cried together. Then we took chairs in the kitchen, made a pot of coffee, and hung out and talked about dad. I will cherish those raw,real moments forever! Around three am our pastor and friend, Terry and his wife Kathy came over and hung out with us till they came to take dad away. I went back to my house at that time, I just didnt want to see them move him. But an hour later we all went out for breakfast and then went home and slept. Today is Sunday, dads favorite day, he was a pastor, till the end, always teaching, sharing and loving others. It was especially hard for me to go to church today, I really didnt want to go, but mom needed me and I was blessed that I went. So many people loved dad.